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    Eyes Up to Heaven

    Eyes Up to Heaven

    I woke up today (6.26.26 Notice the palindrome number) with a heavy, agonizing weight on my chest. My mind was consumed by the final moments of my son’s life.

    Cash was shot twelve times in that driveway. One of those bullets pierced his heart. Yet, in the midst of that catastrophic trauma, he somehow found the superhuman strength to call his mom, Shannon, to tell her to call 911.

    By the time she rushed outside to get to him, he had passed.

    Shannon only described that scene to me exactly one time. We have never spoken of it again. She told me that when she found him, his head was resting back in the seat. His eyes were looking up. His mouth was shaking with blood.

    It is an image that haunts me daily. The trauma of picturing that scene threatens to completely paralyze me. My mind spirals into the darkest places a father’s mind can go: How scared was he? Did he feel the pain? Did he cry out to God? Why didn't God listen? These thoughts are a relentless assault on my peace.

    But perception is a profound thing. Shannon noted that his head was back, which meant his eyes were looking up. When I think about that now, I am reminded of the biblical story of Stephen. When Stephen was being violently and unjustly murdered, he didn’t focus on the men killing him. He looked up, and he saw Jesus standing at the right hand of the Father, waiting to receive him.

    I have to believe that in those final, fading seconds, Cash’s focus left the horror of that driveway. His eyes were looking up to Heaven. He stepped out of the chaos of evil and directly into the absolute, painless peace of the Father's arms.

    There is another haunting reality I am being forced to face. There is HD surveillance footage that captured the entire violent scene in that driveway. It captured the legion of demons operating through the man who took my son's life. That video will inevitably be shown in the courtroom.

    I am locked in a brutal, agonizing battle with myself over whether or not I will be in the room to watch it. A part of me desperately wants to be there. How can I turn my eyes away? How can I hide from the very last moments of my son's life? It feels like if I watch it, I can somehow be with him in that moment. I can bear witness to his final earthly battle so he isn't alone. I am handing this agonizing decision over to the Lord today, asking Him for the strength and the wisdom to know what to do.

    It is so easy to look at the state of this world—a nation turning 250 years old amidst wars, consumerism, and superficial faith—and feel completely overwhelmed by the wickedness. Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by people wearing God on their shirts, but missing Him in their hearts. But as I read the Gospel of Mark today, I am reminded that none of us make the cut on our own. If we truly understood our sin, the church would be full of one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed sinners limping toward the cross. We are all desperate for grace.

    Today, I am surrendering the trauma, the courtroom, and the haunting images to God.

    Today’s SOAP

    S - Scripture

    Mark 9:31 (NIV): "He said to them, 'The Son of Man is going to be delivered into the hands of men. They will kill him, and after three days he will rise.'"
    Mark 9:43, 47 (NIV): "If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell... And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell."

    O - Observation

    Jesus was not aloof to the reality of evil men. He explicitly predicted His own unjust, violent murder. He knows exactly what it means to be physically broken by the darkness of this world. He also demands a radical, severe approach to sin. The truth is, humanity is utterly incapable of righteousness on its own; the Gospel proves that Jesus is our only hope.

    A - Application

    I cannot carry the trauma of the driveway on my own. I must actively hand the mental loop of those final moments over to God. Whenever the image of the fear haunts me, I must intentionally replace it with the image of Cash looking up, stepping out of his broken body, and being immediately embraced by the Savior. As for the wickedness of this world and the superficial faith I see around me, I realize that this world is deeply broken and not my true home. I do not need to judge the nominal Christians around me. I only need to walk humbly, pray for those struggling around me, and keep my own heart pure.

    P - Prayer

    Lord, I bring the darkest, most traumatic thoughts of my mind to You right now. I give You the haunting images of Cash’s final moments, the fear of the upcoming trial, and the agonizing decision of whether to watch the footage. When I am paralyzed by the thought of his pain, remind me that You were there, that he looked up to You, and that You received him into eternal peace. Quiet the terror in my mind. Give me wisdom to understand Your Word, and keep my eyes fixed on Your Kingdom rather than the chaos of this world.

    My Daily Prayer

    Heavenly Father, I give You the absolute first fruits of my day. Wash my mind with Your peace, calm my nervous system, and give me the absolute clarity that comes from trusting You.

    Lord, I lift up my family. Keep McKenna-Kate perfectly safe on the roads. Give her profound peace, and ignite a deep, unshakeable love for You in her heart. I pray for (Name) true and complete salvation.

    I completely surrender the trauma of Cash's final moments to You. Take the haunting images and replace them with the absolute certainty of his peace in Your arms. Guide my heart and give me profound wisdom as I prepare my victim impact statement for the courtroom.

    Thank You for Ceara and the beautiful wink of our 7/22/27 wedding date. Give us supernatural strength to maintain strict physical boundaries and honor You completely until our wedding day. Protect her fiercely, remove any temptation, and let me be an immovable rock for her.

    I pray for my brother, Jesse, and his daily strength. I pray for Rachel, Emma, and Ellie. Give my dad, Ron, comfort in his battle with Parkinson's, and give me the grace to love him without offense.

    I put my 30-year career on the altar. I ask boldly for a miraculous deliverance from my debt so that I am no longer a slave to lenders, submitting entirely to Your timeline. Give me the discipline to keep the Sabbath holy.

    Thank You for miraculously healing my sleep. Restore my physical energy so I have the endurance to do Your Kingdom work fiercely. Do not let my returning strength cause me to forget my absolute need for You.

    I lift up my neighbors and friends. I lift up [Name] to You; if she is battling cancer again in silence, bring her miraculous healing and comfort. I lift up my neighbor [Name]; break the spirit of gossip in his life, remove his need for an enemy, and bring absolute salvation to his heart. I pray for [Name] as he navigates being newly single; fiercely convict his heart and keep him anchored. I pray for [Name] as he grieves the loss of his father. Give [Name] wisdom in our business projects. Guide [Name] to the right church home, and give [Name] deep conviction regarding his relationship.

    Finally, Lord, I pray for the man who murdered Cash. I ask that he would be publicly saved. Let Your Word pierce his heart, bring him to absolute repentance, and let Your glory be done in that courtroom. I release my need for vengeance and hand him entirely over to Your perfect, inescapable justice.

    In Jesus' name, Amen.