The 5:05 AM Wake-Up, the Taunting Eagles, and the Heavy "What Ifs" of Grief

I woke up today at 5:05 AM, another palindrome number on the clock, and immediately felt the overwhelming presence of God and Cash letting me know everything is going to be okay. Yesterday was a highly victorious day. I had taken out a $75,000 loan from Stripe, and they were pulling 15% of every dollar I earned to pay it back. I didn't think I would be free of it until the end of September, but Ceara yelled out to me, "Congratulations, the loan's paid off!" We are finally delivered from that massive weight, freeing me to properly tithe 10 to 20% and attack other debts. But in the quiet of the 5:00 AM hour, even the biggest victories often give way to the ghosts of the past.

My mind drifted to GoHighLevel. For six years, I've chased the "Gold SaaSpreneur" award—a plaque for having over 100 active accounts. I had 105 accounts last year but missed the stage because I forgot to apply. This year, I missed the August 31st deadline again, but the form was mysteriously still active yesterday, so I submitted it. If I am being brutally honest, that pursuit is purely driven by ego. It is me seeking worldly credibility instead of trusting that the Lord can do whatever He wants with this business, award or no award. But an even heavier thought haunted my morning: Cash. I am consumed with the agonizing regret that I didn't push him harder to submit his application to UVA Business School. He was so humble, content to go to CVCC for two years for a direct transfer despite having straight A's. But the grieving father in me thinks, If I had just pushed him to go to UVA, he wouldn't have been in Lynchburg on September 30th, 2024. Maybe he wouldn't have been murdered. It is an endless loop of regret that I desperately need to release.

Later, Ceara and I took a two-mile walk to try and beat a massive incoming storm. Earlier in the day, she had spotted two eagles actively taunting our local neighborhood osprey, who I've named "Screech." The eagles were circling him as he tried to fish. As we crossed the bridge on our walk, a massive, beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky. Just then, Screech flew heavily overhead, fighting the brutal headwinds of the storm to get back to his nest near our condo. He circled back and looked down at us as if to say, "I'm alright. The eagles didn't get me." We made it inside just 50 feet before the torrential rain hit. It was a perfectly timed walk and a profound reminder: even in the heavy, resisting winds of grief and physical pain—like the bone-on-bone spur that has been pinching a nerve in my neck for four agonizing months—we have to endure the storm.

S - Scripture

Jeremiah 10:19-20 (NIV): "...'This is my sickness, and I must endure it.' My tent is destroyed; all its ropes are snapped. My children are gone from me and are no more; no one is left now to pitch my tent or to set up my shelter."

Jeremiah 10:24 (NIV): "Discipline me, LORD, but only in due measure—not in your anger, or you will reduce me to nothing."

Jeremiah 12:2 (NIV): "You have planted them, and they have taken root; they grow and bear fruit. You are always on their lips but far from their hearts."

Jeremiah 12:5 (NIV): "If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?"

O - Observation

Jeremiah's grief is palpable as he mourns his destroyed tent and the devastating reality that his children are gone from him and are no more. He cries out to God to discipline him only in due measure, terrified of being reduced to nothing in God's anger. He wrestles with the prosperity of the wicked, calling out the hypocrites who have God always on their lips but far from their hearts. In response, God doesn't offer a soft comfort; He challenges Jeremiah, asking how he can expect to compete with horses if racing with men on foot has already worn him out.

A - Application

This cuts straight to my core. I read Jeremiah asking why wicked people prosper, and I remember my own past. God was always on my lips, but completely absent from my heart; I would sing worship songs on Sunday morning and go right back to partying and chasing worldly things by the afternoon. God allowed me to prosper then, but now He is disciplining me. I have physical sickness—a painful neck issue that will not go away—and like Jeremiah, I must endure it. I also have to endure the agonizing "what ifs" of my son's death. But racing against those "what ifs" is like trying to outrun horses. I cannot win. I have to surrender my ego, release my deep regrets, and accept God's discipline and grace in due measure, trusting Him whether He gives me small victories or heavy storms.

P - Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank You for the massive victory of paying off this debt, and for the grace You show me every single day. Forgive me for the times my ego drives my business, and for the years when Your name was on my lips but far from my heart. Lord, I surrender the agonizing "what ifs" regarding Cash's college choices; I release that heavy burden to You. Give me the endurance of Screech to fly into the headwinds of my physical pain and my grief. Discipline me, but please, do it in due measure. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Today's Challenge

Identify one specific "what if" or past regret that you are allowing to taunt you like circling eagles. Realize today that racing against the unchangeable past is like trying to outrun horses. Write that regret on a piece of paper, pray a prayer of total release over it, and throw it in the trash.