The $120,000 Ego Trip, a Shattered Heart, and One Last Battle

Happy 24th birthday to my daughter McKenna-Kate. This picture was taken May 2nd, 2007 just days before I closed the deal to sell the Smith Mountain Laker magazine to Times World Corp. I often wonder how much our lives would have changed if I had not sold, but I know this was the Lord's will, and I trust Him completely.

I remember sitting in my car years ago, staring at a check for $120,000, and just laughing. I was marveling at how great God is. Only a few years prior, I had walked away from a high-profile job as a VP at the second-largest ad agency in Tampa. I moved, started a magazine from absolute scratch, and built it up for one specific purpose: to sell it so the proceeds could help start Smith Mountain Lake Christian Academy (SMLCA).

In my reading today, Mark 14 tells the story of a woman who brings an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, worth a year’s wages, and breaks it to pour over Jesus. It was a lavish, radical gift.

To me, writing that $120,000 check felt like my alabaster jar. There were many years I hadn't even made six figures, so this was definitely a year's salary. But there was a dark, hidden reality behind that check: I was doing evil in the sight of the Lord.

God had been very specific with me. He told me to give $80,000.

Given the amount of money I had just been paid, a $40,000 difference didn't really matter financially at the time. I gave the $120,000 because I blatantly disobeyed Him. I wanted the glory. I wanted to be able to look people in the eye and tell them that I gave a "six-figure gift" to start the academy. After all, six figures sounds a lot more impressive than $80,000. My sin was arrogance, as it so often is.

And as we see in the story of David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11 today, even when you are a man after God's own heart, disobedience displeases the Lord and brings severe consequences.

My punishment arrived only a few years later. I went bankrupt, and it was likely because of that $40,000 difference. I had been making millions, but I got drunk on the Dave Ramsey debt snowball. I aggressively paid off debt, but left absolutely no operating capital to keep my wakeboard shop, my boat dealership, and my agency afloat. I went two full years without paying myself a dime. Because I had never lost before, my pride led me to borrow $80,000 from my father-in-law to keep everyone employed—a debt I still haven't been able to pay back. And the agonizing irony? The very people whose jobs I borrowed money to save eventually turned on me and looted my clients after my bankruptcy.

Giving radically is important, but if the Lord gives you a clear command and you disobey it to feed your own ego, there will be consequences.

When I helped start SMLCA, I firmly believed that my radical faith would eventually lead to me being martyred. I didn't picture my head being cut off in the street; I envisioned a sudden car accident or a quick, sweeping disease. But something far worse happened.

I believe that because of our family's public faithfulness to do God's will at Smith Mountain Lake, we became a target for the enemy. My son was murdered in the most public and tragic way imaginable.

Oh, how I wish it could have been me.

But as I read the Old Testament and the Psalms, I am reminded of the sovereignty of God. Cash was a righteous young man. Who am I to question the Lord's will? Once you have seen a burning bush, there is no turning back. I am grateful and thankful for the blows that Satan has inflicted on me because I know the Lord God Almighty will ultimately be given all the glory.

In 2 Samuel 9, David invites Mephibosheth to eat at the king's table. Mephibosheth was crippled, lame in both feet, with no earthly right to be in the palace. That is exactly how I feel today. I am crippled by grief and the consequences of my past arrogance. Yet, God still invites me to His table.

As the Lord allows me to heal, I feel like Samson in the temple. I can feel my hair growing back. I am asking God for the strength for one more battle before I die. I want to make an impact on others for Christ—not for my glory, not for my ego, but entirely for Him. Keep me strong as I go to battle today.

Today’s SOAP

S - Scripture

Mark 14:3, 6 (NIV): "While he was in Bethany... a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head... 'Leave her alone,' said Jesus. 'Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me.'"
2 Samuel 11:27 (NIV): "After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the Lord."
2 Samuel 9:13 (NIV): "And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, because he always ate at the king’s table; he was lame in both feet."

O - Observation

Mary’s gift was lavish, but what made it a "beautiful thing" to Jesus was the pure humility and devotion behind it. She poured it out for Jesus, not for the applause of the room. In contrast, David allowed arrogance and lust to dictate his actions, and despite his standing, his disobedience deeply displeased the Lord. Yet, God's grace remains profound: Mephibosheth was physically broken and lame, yet David extended unmerited grace to him, seating him permanently at the king's table.

A - Application

A radical gift given out of pride is disobedience. Giving $120,000 to sound impressive, when God explicitly asked for $80,000, was an ego trip that brought its own devastating consequences. Moving forward, the application is strict, quiet obedience. Whether God asks for a small sacrifice or a massive one, it must be done with a pure heart for an audience of One. As I carry the crippling grief of Cash's death, I must remember Mephibosheth. I am lame, but I am invited to the table. Like Samson, I must use my returning strength for God's glory alone, striking one final blow to the enemy's kingdom.

P - Prayer

Lord, I confess the arrogance of my past. I recognize that I gave a six-figure gift out of pride to sound impressive, instead of simply obeying Your command. I accept the pruning that followed. Keep my motives completely pure moving forward. Lord, the grief of losing Cash is a blow I can barely withstand. I wish it had been me. But I trust Your perfect will, and I know Cash is righteous and safe with You. Thank You for inviting a broken, crippled man like me to eat at Your table. As my strength returns, I ask for one more massive battle. Let my life and my business make a lasting impact for Your Kingdom. Give me the strength to fight today. In Jesus' name, Amen.